Doggerel 15: Tryst in my Sobriety

Another Scribblers challenge, this time to write a poem based around the days of the week. This was a pastiche of a classic from a favourite band of mine. Like most versions of that song, this leaves out the last two verses-though anyone interested in the original can find the missing verses online. 

***

As I went out on a Monday night,From my pilates class,

I was taken by a hankering,

For an illicit piece of ass,

I called your wife and I told her,

Of the plans I had in store,

So she said, “hotfoot it straight to bed,

Leave the horse outside the door,

Get up the stairs, you silly old fool, and get yourself to work,

I’ve been waiting up for half the night,, the dripping’s sent me berserk”

And it’s true my life’s been changing, now I’m very seldom pissed,

But never before have I mended a tap, as a part of a clandestine tryst

///

As I went out on a Tuesday night,

Pumped up on wheatgrass juice,

I felt a certain bouyancy, 

My waistband newly loose,

I called your wife and I told her,

I was keen to get me leg

Over, your wall. She said, “come up,

Leave you coat upon the peg,

And get up the stairs, you silly old fool, we’ll find a use for that physique, 

I want to see you go to it and make that ceiling creak”,

Well, it’s true my life’s been changing, since me sobriety was restored,

But it was the first time I’d found romance, in buffing up floorboards

///

As I went out on a Wednesday night,

To the squash and tennis court

I started aching after pleasures of a rather baser sort,

I called you wife and I told her, 

That my thoughts were growing ripe,

And she said, “You shouldn’t hang about, shimmy up my old drainpipe,

And come up to me, you silly old fool, 

For our most exhausting evening yet,

I want to see you groaning, dripping head to toe in sweat”

Well it’s true me life’s been changing, since I stopped drinking with me mates,

But it was the only night of passion, I spent replacing cracked roof slates

///

As I went out on a Thursday night

For a jog around the park,

I thought there must be better ways

To keep busy after dark,

I called your wife and told her,

I was yearning for her touch,

And she told me that she sympathised and the longing was too much

“Get up the stairs, you silly old fool, and don’t you mooch around,

I ‘ve got hammering in mind tonight, and I want to see you pound,”

Well it’s true me life’s been changing. since I started thinking of my health,

But I’d never likened philandering to putting up a shelf

///

As I went out on Friday night,

I thought I’d take my final chance,

To win your lady from you, 

While you were boozing at a dance,

But when I saw you wife, I noticed,

She was falling out of a cab

And you clambered out behind her, gave her arse a furtive grab,

She said, “You’re drunk, you’re drunk you silly old fool, but who cares when so am I?

It’s a good job I found a loser, with a flair for DIY,

And it’s true my life’s been changing, now I’m very seldom pissed,

And the strain that I put on my liver, is now going onto my wrist

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