Doggerel 13: Wapping

I’m doing a bit of desktop clearance in an effort to keep myself awake as I watch the general election results come in. This was a winning entry in a Scribblers Flash Poesy contest, inspired by the James McNeill Whistler painting of the same name. Before reading on, be warned, this is a poem in the rap idiom written by a middle aged doctor from Cheshire.


Yo, listen up bitches, it’s the captain on the decks,
All you other pirates be pwesiding over wrecks,

I got sixty foot sails,

This bitch never fails,

Assailing armadas or harpooning whales

Got a maximum speed of 47 knots,

Makes other piwate’s galleons look like Thames regatta yachts


Got more gold Doubloons than Barclay’s Bank,

Don’t tell me it ain’t so, or I’ll make you walk the plank,

I’m top of pirate class,

Got a 3 foot cutlass,

And that pwotwusion in my pocket it ain’t my spyglass,

Say it all you want but that don’t make it right,

Me landlubbing Barque is worse than my bight


Pipe down Teddy Teach with your Gwecian 1900,

And don’t be banging on abound the schooners that you plundered

Listen Teach, you got taught,

You got caught short,

I been going behind your back with your girl in every port

If you cwoss me again, I’ll make you beg

Me not to find another use for Long John Silver’s leg


Yo ho, yo ho: a piwate’s life for me,

It’d be alwight if I didn’t mind the sea,

And the cheap rum, 

Still made my mind numb,

Instead of making me pine for me humble Pompey slum,

Now me mizzenmast’s sagging and me bowswit’s jiggered,

And one of these days, I’ll just up and say fwigate.


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