Mass Observation

This is my Friday Fictioneers submission for September 5th 2014. Thanks to Rochelle Wishoff Fields for the photo (and, of course, for running the challenge every week).

I’m sure this one’s well over the 100 words and there’s a risk some of the references won’t resonate outwith the UK or with anyone under the age of 35 but this was all I could think of.


The trouble with attending a Satanic Mass is that one never quite knows what to bring. Wine seems an obvious choice, but I’ll never forget my embarrassment when I brought a cheeky bottle of Chardonnay and discovered the sacrificial lamb was, quite literally, a sacrificial lamb. The High Priest has never looked at me the same way since. Flowers, too, are out because of the shocking preponderance of Hay Fever amongst we worshippers of Beelzebub. We would take antihistamines but their soporific effect doesn’t make for a good mix when naked flames are involved. At one stage, taking a loaf of artisan bread looked to be an answer but it only upset the High Priest. Turn’s out he’s on a Gluten Free diet. Nowaday’s I take Ferrero Rocher. They’re crispy, creamy and the perfect accompaniment to an evening of malevolent incantations.

Crispin, will this do?.

It’s a bit edgy, Giles. Best stick with the one about the Ambassador. I wouldn’t want to lose another account after that Hoover debacle.



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32 responses to “Mass Observation

  1. satanic mass? what day of the week do they hold them? Do you have to wear satan. I prefer lace.

    Oh, pooh, i just realized you wrote satan, not satin. Nevermind.

    (fun read) randy

  2. Thanks for making me laugh:)
    Sticking with the one about the Ambassador certainly paid off!

  3. Dee

    I love this, so tongue-in-cheek. I particularly liked the idea of the High Priest being on a gluten free diet for some reason, still laughing.
    Well done

  4. I’d say the Prince of Darkness isn’t all he’s cracked up to be nor his followers, huh?
    If you were implying something more that UK folks would understand, so be it. I liked the story anyway. We have Ferrero-Rocher in the U.S. as well. Great candy!

  5. This conjured an image in my mind of a bunch of robe-clad worshipers around a sacrificial alter all wheezing and sucking on inhalants. πŸ˜€

  6. Love it, your title, and Rocher!!


  7. This was funny, I really liked it. Oh, the troubles of modern times. πŸ˜€

  8. This is delightful. Kinda’ reminds me of death narrating The Book Thief.

  9. Dear Etienne, Brilliant as usual. You really do write an interesting story. I love the part of trying to figure out what to take to a Satanic Mass – you are so funny. I don’t think there is a book out about this – oh wait – look in the “for Dummies” category and it may be there! Great story – gluten free bread. You are too much! Nan πŸ™‚

  10. Ah, you’re really spoiling us with that story (sorry, I couldn’t resist).

  11. Brilliant, so long as the chocolates are arranged in a pyramid

  12. Ha ha! I was about to make a “really spoiling us” joke but I see Claire got there first πŸ™‚
    They don’t make Satan worshippers like they used to.

  13. Love the humor. Wacky issues complicate everything.

  14. A little bit over my head but still amusing. Thanks for the smile.

  15. Very imaginative in a very realistic way.”All fiction is fact based.”

  16. It’s very funny πŸ™‚

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