In Through The Outbox

A while ago, I decided I’d try to put up a standalone story every month. This one was an Authonomy submission with the theme being SPAM. I’ve wanted to write a story in this style for a while though this isn’t quite what I had in mind. I’m never quite sure where I stand with using pidgin english in a story but hope it doesn’t offend anybody. By the same token, I’m not aware of any scams operating out of Catagena, but I liked the name so I’ve used it as the-kind of-setting here.

***********************************************

From Roderick Edison (redison@warmmail.com)
To Anthony Flaherty O’Donell (apflahertyodonell44@wail.co.uk)
Subject: Help!

Dear Flaherty-O’Donnell,

Please allow me to renew myself in your acquaintance. It is your friend Edison. I offer my most fervent aspirations that no calamity has fallen upon your munficent countenance. I would hope one day we shall meet again but for today, it is your bounteous generosity that I am in requirement of.

Only yesterday, when I was in Colombia I was set about by masked vagabonds as I was alighting from the train. They took my money and left me stranded in a well near Cartagena. A pedlar has offered to see my a rope ladder for the reasonable sum of USD 3000.

My friend, I beg of you to please to send me this money, together with another
3000 USD expenses by electronic transfer my account as the Bank of Bogota.

I know, good sir, that you will not leave me to perish in a well in Cartagena.

Your passionate friend always, Edison.

***

From Anthony Flaherty O’Donell (apflahertyodonell44@wail.co.uk_7
To Roderick Edison (redison@warmmail.com)

Subject: Re: Help!

Hi ‘Edison’, must admit I was surprised to hear from you after you jilted my
sister at the altar. Still, I suppose it takes a brave man to admit he was wrong to get engaged. Especially when he was his fiancee’s college tutor
It was a bit crass to fail her on that assignment, though. It was very difficult for
her to write that essay whilst looking after several young children.

I’d be delighted to help you, but I’ll kick myself if I don’t ask you this: If you’re stuck in a well, how are you managing to send Emails?

Best

Tony.

***

From Roderick Edison (redison@warmmail.com)
To Anthony Flaherty O’Donell (apflahertyodonell44@wail.co.uk_7
Re: Re: Help

My dearest Tony,

I was very apologetic to leave your sister jilted. Please convey to her my
desolations.

In answer to your inquiry, one of the vagabonds has lent me his iPhone. It is
only an IPhone 4S but it has Angry Birds on it.

Please to send me the money. The little peddlar boy is saying that there is
A tourists in another well who might want to purchase of it if I cannot get to him the monies.

Your importunate friend,

Edison

***

From Anthony Flaherty O’Donell (apflahertyodonell44@wail.co.uk_7
To Roderick Edison (redison@warmmail.com)

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Help!

Hi again Edison,

Thanks for the explanation and call me old-fashioned (as I remember you did when I declined to join in at that funny-little Toga party you held in your cellar. At least I say, I remember, my head was a little fuzzy afterwards) but I actually
prefer the ergonomics of the iPhone 4S over the 5.

It’ll take me a while to realise the funds but it struck me as I was signing off. If it’s a wishing well you’re stuck down, perhaps there’ll be enough loose change at the bottom to buy your rope ladder.

You never know, maybe one of the “well-wishers” might have wished for a convenient deus ex machina for a disgraced sociology lecturer.

My sister says hi, by the way.

Tony

***

From Roderick Edison (redison@warmmail.com)
To Anthony Flaherty O’Donell (apflahertyodonell44@wail.co.uk_7
Re: Re: Re: Re: Help

Dear Tony,

It’s not a wishing well. Please send the money.

Edison

***

From Anthony Flaherty O’Donell (apflahertyodonell44@wail.co.uk_7
To Roderick Edison (redison@warmmail.com)

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Help!

Hi Edison,

I’d love to help but I’m a bit strapped this month. I had to lend £500 to my
sister. She got kicked out of her flat again. Landlords can be very unsympathetic when it comes to triplets with ADHD.

Is the well very dark?

Stay lucky,

Tony

***

From Roderick Edison (redison@warmmail.com)
To Anthony Flaherty O’Donell (apflahertyodonell44@wail.co.uk_7
Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Help

My friend, the well is as dark as the proverbial jack of clubs and there are
several angry looking moles in here with me.

The pedlar boy says he will consider letting us have the rope ladder at a good
price if 3000 USD is too much. How much can you free?

Edison.

***

From Anthony Flaherty O’Donell (apflahertyodonell44@wail.co.uk_7
To Roderick Edison (redison@warmmail.com)

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:Help!

Hi again,

If you can hang on, I might be able to let you have it next week.

Tony

***

From Roderick Edison (redison@warmmail.com)
To Anthony Flaherty O’Donell (apflahertyodonell44@wail.co.uk_7
Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Help!

Dearest Tony,

I thank you appreciatively, oh good, oh kind, sir Tony. I had quite taken leave
of your senses.

But please to tell me, why shall I be waiting so long?

Edison.

From Anthony Flaherty O’Donell (apflahertyodonell44@wail.co.uk_7
To Roderick Edison (redison@warmmail.com)

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Help!

Just a cash flow problem, Ed.

From Roderick Edison (redison@warmmail.com)
To Anthony Flaherty O’Donell (apflahertyodonell44@wail.co.uk_7

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Help!

How will you be making rectifications?

From Anthony Flaherty O’Donell (apflahertyodonell44@wail.co.uk_7
To Roderick Edison (redison@warmmail.com)

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Help!

I’m waiting for the emperor of Nigeria to wire me 5 million pounds.

****************************************************************

From Capitan Delgado Augustin.Delgado@catagena.policia.co
To Wacky Miguel Miguel.Cortez@hooray.co

Hola Miguel,

Gracias for the dinner invitation. It’ll be great to see Rosalita and the kids. Work’s been a real strain lately. Another (!) British tourist found dead in a well with an iPhone and a copy of Roget’s thesaurus. You had the right idea going into manufacturing, amigo.

Ask Rosalita if she’ll make patatas bravas for me.

Best,

Augustin

***

From Wacky Miguel Miguel.Cortez@hooray.co
To Capitan Delgado Augustin.Delgado@catagena.policia.co

Re: Dinner

Hola Ag,

I wish! The bottom’s fallen out of the rope ladder market. Far too many timewasters. I’d probably have to close the factory if I weren’t expecting a cash injection from a general’s daughter in Accra.

I’ll ask Rosa to make patatas bravas but you’ll be lucky. She’s doing Atkins again.

Stay well,

Mig

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4 Comments

Filed under Uncategorized

4 responses to “In Through The Outbox

  1. That was very amusing indeed! I love this sort of spoof thing and you did it brilliantly – bringing the ubiquitous Nigeria scam into it at the end was genius. I’ve had a fair amount of spam just like this 🙂

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