Getting An Eiffel

(This is my friday fictioneers (http://rochellewisofffields.wordpress.com/tag/friday-fictioneers/) submission for December 27th 2013. I swore I’d have a week off this week-what with it being the festive season and all-but I couldn’t resist the temptation that came from Douglas M McIlroy’s wonderfully anthropomorphic photograph. After a couple of weeks in which I managed to respect the word limit, this time I’ve found that, even after brutal editing, this is still running at 133 words.

Also, I realise that I haven’t responded to a few people’s comments from last week. I didn’t intend to be rude but it’s such a busy time of year. Belated thanks to all of you.)

He’ll have taken her there by now. A typically overblown gesture. The worst of it is: I thought of it first. A proposal from the Tower, fireworks courtesy of the city. I’d even, almost, bought the ring when she chucked me over for him. At least, she would’ve done if I’d ever found the courage to talk to her.

Almost time now. He said that he’d do it at midnight. And of course she’ll say yes.

In the cold, I shudder. I should be at home, but I wouldn’t be able to watch there. Something’s happening. The tower lights flicker on and off. They look like eyes watching over the city. Over me.

It’s her way of telling me: she knows I’m waiting for us to pick up where we, almost, left off.

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34 Comments

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34 responses to “Getting An Eiffel

  1. Dear Etienne,

    A dramatic gesture. Well done.

    Shalom,

    Rochelle

  2. Love the title. Excellent story well done.

  3. The poor man is suffering, almost delusional. I like the ‘almost’ and ‘if I’d ever’. Well done.

  4. I can sympathize with the pain, disappoint, and fervent, illogical hoping of this man. I’ve been there myself at one time or another. Great story.

    (By the way, it might be good to have a paragraph break between the introduction and the story. I was most of the way through the first paragraph of the story before I realized it wasn’t a continuation of the intro.)

  5. He’s been pushed to the edge, grasping, hoping, very good tone – just hope he doesn’t get pushed any further..

  6. The voice in this piece is fantastic – I can totally imagine the character thinking / saying all this, and his hope at the end of the story. I think you mean “her way OF telling me” in the final paragraph.
    Also loved the title and you’re right, I hadn’t seen the anthropomorphic view of this, but now I can’t stop seeing it!

  7. Hope is the last thing that remains.. heartbreaking in disillusionment …

  8. A very accurate description of obsessive delusion and the pain that it brings. Also, a wonderfully creative interpretation of the prompt!

  9. kz

    awww i feel so sorry for him. though i wanna grab him by the shoulders and shake him to reality. you did a wonderful job in creating this character.

  10. Dear Etienne,

    I loved your play on words with the title and subsequent story. Very well done.

    Aloha,

    Doug

  11. This guy’s elevator falls short of reaching the penthouse. In fact, it barely reaches the 1st floor. I suppose that’s true of most stalkers. Extremely well written.

  12. He shouldn’t even be watching to get an eyeful! Clever play on words,

  13. Great little number. Hope he’s not expecting too much.

  14. The poor chap is living in a delusion, I think. I hope he’ll be OK.
    Loved the title!

  15. We all need a little hope in our lives.
    I enjoyed your take on the prompt.

  16. Oh, that wanting what we don’t have… made worse by the idea that someone else has it! nice work!

  17. Wish I’d thought of that title!
    Loved the story too. Can’t help but feel for the poor chap.

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